I woke up this morning and became aware of the fact that not only did I sleep for over 4 hours (serious accomplishment, believe me) but also that 2 months have gone by, two months out of 12 gone to never come back. It sounds a bit like something that should scare me but it didn’t . Why? well, because “time, is on my side…yes it is!”. Besides, I don’t want to be scared or fearful of every single step I take. I want to be able to look back and smile and look forward with excitement.
I have always had a love/ hate relationship with time. I’m sure I’m not alone in this one. I always heard phrases like “time is precious” and “time is money”when someone was late and expressions of disgust when people didn’t show up even when they promised they would. I learned really early that every minute counts. I was raised to believe you cannot waste time doing things you want to do the way you want to do them. You need to do things how they’re supposed to be done, no short-cuts, no alterations. But this type of thinking doesn’t leave much room for enjoyment.
I used to think about time a bit too much. Thought that if I didn’t finish school by a certain age, I was definitely a failure. If I didn’t have a specific job title within “x” amount of years, I was a disappointment. But what if I don’t want to live like this. What if I want to slow done, take my time and enjoy the moment. What if I want to take small steps and think about my next one. What if I want to dive in and not have to study every single move I make. Is that so bad? Will you hold it against me?
Living like this takes over everything we do if we don’t pay attention. Takes the fun out of doing things, learning, enjoying life. You stop noticing all the beautiful small things when you focus on completing every single thing within a specific time frame.
This past year I’ve taught myself to learn from the past, live in the present and look towards the future with hope and not fear. I had to teach myself to not drown in expectations (my own and other people’s) of how I spend my time, and what goals I reach. It’s been a slow process, a bit painful at times but it’s driven the anxiety away. January and February have been great and in these two months I’ve made small but meaningful accomplishments. I realize that even when they may not change the world, they are good enough for me. I’ve learned that I don’t have to save the world in 2 months, or ever. And I especially don’t need to prove myself to anybody.
I’ve learned that I have my own rhythm, and it doesn’t need to be compared to nobody elses. That because I do things in a specific manner and decide to take my time, just means that I have a very good reason to do so. And that’s not a bad thing.
Will I accomplish all that I wish to in the future. Who knwos…I guess only time will tell.